My LEGO Nexus Organization

The joke topic! You guys must have bad sense humor to not posted this before now! Post all crazy and funnny to this foruM!

We had one, but it ended up in Archive, I think.
Hopefully this one will do better.

the joke in Teddy's joke: it's called the toke topic



and the old one may have been gone because I disapeared for  a few months.

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in
his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'

 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew  on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

 

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close!  That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

 
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

 

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

 

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

 

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?’  but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says,

'Where's that monkey? I sent him off an  hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs.  Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! 

From Random Disscussion topic:

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.

 In the French militaries final stand against the Germans, they took sticks of dynamite and threw them at the oncoming army. The Germans then retaliated by lighting the dynamite and throwing it back. =P

Lol. I don't know why I like French jokes so much.

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

 Four passengers are in a plane, a lawyer, an old priest, a doctor, and a little boy. The pilot realizes the plane is going to crash, and announces it on the intercom and jumps out with a chute. Only 3 chutes remain. The doc says, " I save people, I should get to live", and he jumps with a chute. The lawyer says, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I get to live", and he grabs a chute and jumps. The priest looks at the kid, and he says, "You know, I've lived a long life, you can have the last chute kid". The little kid says, "Oh, don't worry Mr. Priest, the smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

From Facts about Yourself:

This is only half funny:


Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:



1. Teaching Math In 1950s



A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?



2. Teaching Math In 1960s



A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?



3. Teaching Math In 1970s



A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?



4. Teaching Math In 1980s



A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



5. Teaching Math In 1990s



A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )



6. Teaching Math In 2009



Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?





Year 2010 b





Who cares,  just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property, he won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's OK anyway cuz it's redistributing the wealth.  Forget the math.

I'm laughing so hard I think I'm going to fall off my chair! Hehe... But it's so sad, because it's true, too! O_O
Did you write that?

 Your right MsRR, that is only half funny, since it's so true. People in my school (High School) have asked me for help on addition problems some times! And on their times tables...  :-\

 How do you make a fight with a French soldier fair? You let him hop in a tank and you grab a baseball bat. =P

"I love spring. It's so full of bounce!"
"It wasn't a learning curve. It was a corner. That doubled back on itself."
"To go as far as the crow flies, stop at the first roadkill you find."
"Cancer annonymous: 'Where'd you get tha pizza? I got mine at Little Seizures."
"Salt Lick City"
:EDIT:
"Has the constitution been burned here or something??!"

Why did the boy player football with the vending machine?

He wanted to get his quarterback.

OK now I can put more of my quotes on!
"If push comes to shove, don't be standing near a cliff."
"Politicians have no moral fiber. They're all acrylic."

Why did Teddy eat his homework?

The teacher said it was a piece of cake.

LOL, haha... ;)
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? He stopped, cold turkey.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chickens weren't invented yet.

Why did the teddy bear cross the road?

The chicken was on vacation

What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

What do you get when you squeeze an olive? Oliver Twist!

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? "Thanks, I'll never part with it!"

How come three men fell into a pond and not a single one was wet?

They were all married!

Remember when John Lennon ordered Walrus from Lucy in the Sky and got a haircut on Penny Lane?

"I have changed my name to Butherford Oscar Bufferboard (BOB). I am a Pastor Of A Comgregation Of Six People Who Are Stupid Enough To Believe Me (POASOSPWASETBM). I also do plumbing."
"Why didn't the chicken cross the road? It was afraid it would become tired."
"I didn't break it. I was just holding it and it became two."
MsRR: Love the fraction joke.
Lionytai: Er, Okey... Three men didn't get wet because they were married? =P

Not a single one got wet.

single equals not married. Not a unmarried one got wet.

I get it now...LOL.

Don't ever say Hi to Jack on an airplane.

What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit? A bad hare day.

Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputation because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

Why did the booger cross the road, because he was being picked on

What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.

What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy 'O Furniture.

How to you organize a spacey party? You planet.

How do you start a book about ducks?...With an introduction

How do you catch a rabbit? Hide behind a tree and make carrot noises.

What do you get when you cross 100 pigs with 100 deer? 200 sows and bucks!!!

Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetas!

What did one frog say to the other? Time's sure fun when you're having flies!

Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies!

Why shouldn't you tell secrets on a farm?
The corn have ears, the potato have eyes, and the beanstalk.(beans talk)

f a athlete get's athlete's foot what does an astronaut get? Mistle Toe.

Santa says to Mrs. Claws "Any idea what the weather will be like for Christmas?". Mrs Claws: "Look's like rain, dear"

What did the digital watch say to his mom? "Look mom no hands."

How does the gingerbread man make his bed? With cookie sheets.
 

What did the father toamto say after he stepped on his baby tomato for being far left behind?

"Next time, ketchup!"

What do you call a dog with an automatic machine gun?
A dogmatic!

You mean a POACOSPWASETBM?
Foolsih, foolish. ;)

Oh, man, forgive the typo. Sue me.

from BZP:

(http://spacewars.smfforfree.com/Smileys/users/spacewars/rotflz.gif)

that's great

Oh the Irony

"Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?"

"Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? "

"Why "abbreviated" is such a long word? "

"Why doctors call what they do "practice"? "

"Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?"

"Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?"

"Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?"

One day a mom went into the pharmacy.

Mom: I want to buy some vitamins for my child.

Nurse: Do you want Vitamin A, B, or K?

Mom: It doesn't matter. My son couldn't read yet.

Bible Study Humor


LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'  A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?  ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, ' Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt .  When he got to the  Red Sea  , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.  Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23.. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.  On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER


The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day,

she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his

messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the

back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after

church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family

member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks,

after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls..' This soon

became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the

best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Little

Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away..
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at

our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she

knows how to cook!'


 
 
 

What's in the middle of nowhere?

The letter "h".

A pretty funny joke not to be taken literaly. it is kind of funny

In a small town next to a river, the river was starting to overflow. Everyone evacuated except the priest of their chruch.

a police officer in a car came to the church and said to the priest, "Sir with all due respect, you need to evacuate, or you will most likely die."

"No don't worry," the priest said, "I am sure god will offer me a way out of this."

"If you say so," the officer said and drove away.

the river was flooding the town and the priest was on the roof as a boat came.

"Sir, you must climb on the boat. if you don't it will be fatal," said the man on the boat.

"Don't worry about me, i am posotive god will save me," the priest replied.

the river got worse and the priest was on top of the steeple, and a helicopter came.

"Sir you must get onboard," the man on the helicopter said, as he thrwe down a latter.

"I am sure god will give me a way out" the priest said.

Later the priest drowned. He was in heaven and asked god, "how come you didn't save me?"

God said, "well I gave you 3 chances"

MsRR: Love the one about Moses. ;D
Waggy: I've heard that one before, pretty funny. >:D
Lionytai: Good one. ;)

California vs. Texas
Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A
coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

California :

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is
natural.

#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and
spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200
testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife
services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear
of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness" program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better
handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack
and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the
state.

Texas :

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent
$0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead
coyote.


Any wonder why California is broke????

 

Cow 1: Have you heard about the mad cow disease? Aren't you worried?
Cow 2: What to worry? I think I'm a duck.

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."

How old is LEMON?



A: 37. Just turn the word upsidedown and you should see  NOW37

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!


But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.


There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."

Why was the plane so tired in the morning?


It stayed up all night.

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:      I forget.
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:   Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________ _______

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20,  much like your IQ.
_____________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY:   She had three children , right?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:   How many were boys?
WITNESS:       None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:      By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:      Take a guess.
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:      He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:      Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:    No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them ... the live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________ ____________


ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:      If not, he was by the time I finished.
_____________________________ _______________


And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  Then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 

I've gotta say; that's the funniest thing I've read in the last little while. xP I can imagine the second-last one from the witness read in the voice of the ME from the original CSI. Just seems like something he'd say. xP

OH NO! My poor joke topic! RUINZ!

NOAH TODAY


In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in England and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another  Ark and save 2 of every living thing
Along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the  Ark before I will
Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
Weeping in his yard - but no  Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the  Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."



"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
About the need for a sprinkler system."



"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the  Ark in my
Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."


"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
Passage for the  Ark's move to the sea. I told them
That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
Hear nothing of it."



"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"


"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
Confining wild animals against their will. They
Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
A confined space."



"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the  Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
On your proposed flood."



"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
Supposed to hire for my building crew."



"Immigration are checking the
Visa status of most of the people who want to work."



"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
Insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."



"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
With endangered species."



"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
Years for me to finish this  Ark."





"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
And a rainbow stretched across the sky."





Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it." 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME:

(I  Owe My Mother) 
  **************************************
1.     My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . 
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean  underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. 
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA  .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take  you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.  My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't  come running to me."

21. My  mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25.  My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out  just like you !"
 

Mother Quotes

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man.  Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall.  But would you listen to me?  Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.  You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house!  That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon.  If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you-don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe?  Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family.  You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture.  Can't you do something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line.  Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud, Thomas.  Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
 

Sorry to revive an old post, but does anyone else hear Dr. McCoy from the original Star Trek reading those witness lines?  I know I do. :P

Indeed!!

Here's a g roaner..

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.
 
 
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .
 
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico ,
which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its  stop in New York .
 
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico .
 
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and
the cargo was forever lost.
 
The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
 
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Sinko De Mayo.
 
 
WHAT? You really expected something educational from me?
 

Here's a lame one.

Why is the Statue of Liberty standing on Ellis Island?
She can't sit down.

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.



The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, for our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."



Smile, life is too short not to!!

Apparently, someone really overheard this conversation:

Person 1: "Was it you or your brother that drowned at sea?"

Person 2: *Thinks for a minute* "I think it was my brother."

 

 *"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:*

 

 1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

 

 2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

 

 3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

 

 4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send  me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail  will be deleted in the order it was received.

 

 5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

 

 6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

 

 7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.

 You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 

 8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your  PC for my response.

 

 

 

 9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

 

 10: I've run away to join a different circus.

 

I'm going to use 6 and 7 xD

The American elementary thru high school system.

Oh, wait, this is supposed to be actual jokes?  OK, sorry.  :[

Mitt Romney. ;D

Oh, you mean actual actual jokes?  OK, gotcha.

There was a guy standing around at college, chatting with his friends.  One of the girls found this guy obnoxious and annoying, and when he started a random discussion on shadow puppets, she decided to jump in and shut him up.
"Hey, I can do shadow puppets, too," she said.  "Watch:  It's a dog, it's a bunny, it's a bird."

*Is dragged off-stage by the neck* :P

If one and a half bird can lay one and a half eggs in one and a half day, how many eggs can 3 peacocks lay in 6 days?
None. Peacocks can't lay eggs.

Two mice are taking a stroll on a sunny day. One is big, the other is small. Both have umbrellas; the big one has a small umbrella, the small one has a large umbrella. The small umbrella has a large hole in it, the large umbrella has a small hole in it. Which one will be wetter when they get to their destination?
None, it's a nice and sunny day =P

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this ye
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
                                 -----------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.  One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"  The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
                                 ------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are making out  The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."  To which the blonde man replied:   "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
                                 ------------------------------------
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"  He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
                                 ------------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.  "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.  The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".  The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
                                 ------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.  It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".  He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
                                 ------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"  "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.  "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
                                 ------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.  A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.  The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
                                 ------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.  His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"  He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks."Here boy!" he replies.
                                 ------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet."Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.  "Hanging myself," the blond replies.  "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
                                 ------------------------------------


An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"  To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

BUMP
The Military Computer
The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass.  This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or Retreat?"

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

The computer instantly replies, "Yes, sir!"

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

Got this one from TvTropes...

(I don't think it's antisemitic, given that it's a traditional Jewish joke)

Good one!!


Have you ever told a white lie?
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the
Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot
to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after
rummaging through cabinets, found an angelfood cake mix &
quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping
her son pack for scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat
and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,
"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"
So, being inventive, she looked around the house
for something to build up the center of the cake.
She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper.
She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church
and head for work,

Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the moment itopened at 9:30 and
to buy the cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive,
perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know!
What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her
And talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake
and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend
because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her
nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the
founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she
couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before
she could get to her feet,
the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say,
"Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself,
"God is good."