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Count to a Million

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Flipz
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« Reply #70200 on: April 12, 2013, 12:54:59 am »

70202



For those following along in the story: I managed to summon enough guts to go to the lobby (where the event was), but wussed out and cornered up with my computer.  The visitors did seem a little insular, even towards the more outgoing students, though, so I'm fairly certain I wouldn't have done well. Undecided

Still not in a situation to (and still don't have the guts to) ask anyone out.  Frustrating, because I really need the experience, and there are a few candidates that might even turn into something serious.  Really, though, I'm just tired of being one of those people you know at school but never do anything else with.  I need to get out of the house AND do something not related to school (or at least, not directly), something where I interact with people.  I need friends that I can hang out with in a physical space (no offense).

Also frustrating is that I can't shut off my libido.  Having taken a good, hard look at my social interactions as they are, I've realized I'm mostly fine with people if I'm totally unattracted to them.  Unfortunately for me, my body isn't as picky as my brain is--not to mention a certain thing that I don't want to post online because it would cause serious friction with my family if they found out.

I'm weird like that, you know?  I care deeply, and very easily.  People don't have to date me to get to know me pretty dang well.  I wish open hearts like mine were more common.  But really, I need someone--a close friend, a romantic partner--who I can feel safe enough around to open up to and share my deeper worries and problems.  I almost had that at the start of the semester, but then my libido turned on and I'm uncomfortable around them (though at least that experience helped me to come to terms with a truth about me that I've known for a while but hadn't fully accepted).

...dang it.  I keep hoping that, in the heat of the moment, as I'm sharing my feelings here, I'll have the courage to just blurt it to the world.  But I just know that this would destroy my relationship with my parents--even my mother, who has been surprisingly liberal with me on a lot of subjects, wouldn't be able to accept this.  At best, she might keep my secret--at the cost of her marriage to my father--and at worst, she'd try to preach it out of me.  And then I'd have to separate myself from her, 'cause I wouldn't be able to take that--and not only do I not want to have to do that, it's not actually possible, because I'm not independent.

You can see my dillemma.  You can see how there are fundamental parts of myself that I'm deeply repressing, parts that I can only safely expose and repair if I'm independent enough to have some distance between me and my family, so I'm not reliant on them for basic necessities.  Sometimes I wish I'd gotten some scholarship to some city in another state, where I'd have to live apart from my parents--but I've traveled a fair bit in the U.S. and seen more through the news; I don't want to live anywhere but California.  This is my home, this is where my heart lives, and frankly this is the best place for people like me (in several senses of the phrase) to live.  

Problem is, to solve my insecurities so I can stop hiding who I am, I need to become independent; to become independent, I need to get a job; to get a job, I need to solve my insecurities so I can stop hiding who I am.  ARGH!
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