The joke topic

[Flipz]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

*snip*

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:   Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________ _______

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20,  much like your IQ.
_____________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY:   She had three children , right?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:   How many were boys?
WITNESS:       None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:      By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:      Take a guess.
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:      He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:      Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:    No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them ... the live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________ ____________


ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:      If not, he was by the time I finished.
_____________________________ _______________


And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  Then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Sorry to revive an old post, but does anyone else hear Dr. McCoy from the original Star Trek reading those witness lines?  I know I do.

[MsRowdyRedhead]

Indeed!!

Here's a g roaner..

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.
 
 
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .
 
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico ,
which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its  stop in New York .
 
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico .
 
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and
the cargo was forever lost.
 
The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
 
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Sinko De Mayo.
 
 
WHAT? You really expected something educational from me?
 

[lionytai]

Here's a lame one.

Why is the Statue of Liberty standing on Ellis Island?
She can't sit down.

[MsRowdyRedhead]

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.



The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, for our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."



Smile, life is too short not to!!

[The Truth]

Apparently, someone really overheard this conversation:

Person 1: "Was it you or your brother that drowned at sea?"

Person 2: *Thinks for a minute* "I think it was my brother."

[MsRowdyRedhead]

 

 *"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:*

 

 1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

 

 2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

 

 3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

 

 4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send  me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail  will be deleted in the order it was received.

 

 5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

 

 6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

 

 7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.

 You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 

 8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your  PC for my response.

 

 

 

 9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

 

 10: I've run away to join a different circus.

 

[mtmerrick]

I'm going to use 6 and 7 xD

[Flipz]

The American elementary thru high school system.

Oh, wait, this is supposed to be actual jokes?  OK, sorry. 

Mitt Romney.

Oh, you mean actual actual jokes?  OK, gotcha.

There was a guy standing around at college, chatting with his friends.  One of the girls found this guy obnoxious and annoying, and when he started a random discussion on shadow puppets, she decided to jump in and shut him up.
"Hey, I can do shadow puppets, too," she said.  "Watch:  It's a dog, it's a bunny, it's a bird."

*Is dragged off-stage by the neck*

[lionytai]

If one and a half bird can lay one and a half eggs in one and a half day, how many eggs can 3 peacocks lay in 6 days?
None. Peacocks can't lay eggs.

[Rakoua]

Two mice are taking a stroll on a sunny day. One is big, the other is small. Both have umbrellas; the big one has a small umbrella, the small one has a large umbrella. The small umbrella has a large hole in it, the large umbrella has a small hole in it. Which one will be wetter when they get to their destination?
None, it's a nice and sunny day =P

[MsRowdyRedhead]

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this ye
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
                                 -----------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.  One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"  The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
                                 ------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are making out  The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."  To which the blonde man replied:   "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
                                 ------------------------------------
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"  He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
                                 ------------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.  "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.  The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".  The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
                                 ------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.  It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".  He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
                                 ------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"  "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.  "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
                                 ------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.  A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.  The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
                                 ------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.  His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"  He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing."What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks."Here boy!" he replies.
                                 ------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet."Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.  "Hanging myself," the blond replies.  "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
                                 ------------------------------------


An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"  To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

[MsRowdyRedhead]

BUMP
The Military Computer
The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass.  This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or Retreat?"

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

The computer instantly replies, "Yes, sir!"

[MsRowdyRedhead]

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

[The Truth]

Got this one from TvTropes...

An antisemitic priest was in charge of a town, and challenged the Jews of the town to a sign language debate with him, with a catch: if the person they pick to debate loses, all the Jews must leave. No one volunteers for the debate except a poor fool. At the debate, the priest draws a big circle in the air. The fool stamps on the ground. The priest holds up three fingers. The fool shakes his head and holds up one. The priest takes out bread and wine. The fool begins to eat an apple. The priest then declares that the fool had won the debate. The priest's explanation: "The circle meant that God was everywhere in the world. The stamp on the ground meant God was not in Hell. The three fingers represented the Trinity. Holding up one finger meant that God was one and indivisible. The bread and wine represented the blood and flesh of Jesus, but when he reminded me of the original sin, I knew he had won." The fool's explanation, on the other hand: "The priest pointed far away, meaning that all the Jews must leave. I stamped on the ground, to say that we're staying right here. The three fingers meant that we had three days to get out. The one finger meant that not one of us was leaving. Then, I guess he gave up, since he took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

(I don't think it's antisemitic, given that it's a traditional Jewish joke)

[MsRowdyRedhead]

Good one!!


Have you ever told a white lie?
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the
Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot
to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after
rummaging through cabinets, found an angelfood cake mix &
quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping
her son pack for scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat
and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,
"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"
So, being inventive, she looked around the house
for something to build up the center of the cake.
She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper.
She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church
and head for work,

Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the moment itopened at 9:30 and
to buy the cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive,
perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know!
What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her
And talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake
and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend
because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her
nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the
founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she
couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before
she could get to her feet,
the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say,
"Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself,
"God is good."