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I'm basically like Elliot from
this comic (warning:
mild language, not really enough to warn about though), only worse,
I don't even have a girlfriend and I end up making myself feel guilty over feelings I can't control. Or, to quote a hilarious (but unfortunately unlinkable) quote from that same character in an earlier comic: "I fail at perversion." Yeah. I guess I've still got a lot of repressive junk stuck in my head from my upbringing.
Which sucks because not only am I not confident enough to ask out the person I've been interested in for a while OR the one I've only recently become comfortable enough to admit to myself I'm attracted to, I can't even "date for fun and practice" like a lot of people tell me I should. And I can't put my formidable intellect to the task of sorting out my feelings because I end up too busy fighting
it about the practicalities (i.e. "you're not independent enough", "you can't afford to go out on dates with any degree of regularity", "you have too much schoolwork to do and you can't afford to sacrifice your grades", etc.) to be able to deal with the emotional side of things.
And when I try to address my biggest practical solution to all those problems (money) by getting a job, I find out my lack of self-confidence
literally makes me struggle to assert myself enough to even
put in an application. Yeah. It's that bad.
So you can see why I identify with Moritz in that song from Spring Awakening (re-linked
here). Those short conversations in between the song segments? I've
had those conversations.
Before I ever heard the song or saw the show.
And now, tomorrow, there's going to be a big social event at my college. And instead of being able to be loose and open and have a good time and socialize and improve my people skills, I'm inevitably going to be awkward and self-conscious--friendly as usual, but still self-conscious. Heck, I've
got the people skills. When I'm in the zone, I can be
anything for
anyone, I'm a terrific actor, and I'm a genuinely captivating person as it is. Problem is, I can't turn those skills on at will, at least not at full level. I mean, I can tap into a low-level social masks and act friendly, courteous, and professional, but even when I look and act outgoing, on the inside I'm self-criticizing up the wazoo.
Ugh.
