The joke topic

[Obi]

Oh the Irony

"Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?"

"Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? "

"Why "abbreviated" is such a long word? "

"Why doctors call what they do "practice"? "

"Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?"

"Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?"

"Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?"

[MsRowdyRedhead]

Grandmas:

I was out walking with my Grandson.  He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth.  I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that. 'Why' my Grandson asked.


"Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff??  You are so smart."


I was thinking quickly and said to him, "all Grandmas know stuff.  It's on the Grandma Test.  You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."


We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh....I get it! He beamed, so if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa".


'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.

[lionytai]

One day a mom went into the pharmacy.

Mom: I want to buy some vitamins for my child.

Nurse: Do you want Vitamin A, B, or K?

Mom: It doesn't matter. My son couldn't read yet.

[MsRowdyRedhead]

Bible Study Humor


LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'  A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?  ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, ' Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt .  When he got to the  Red Sea  , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.  Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23.. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.  On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER


The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day,

she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his

messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the

back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after

church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family

member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks,

after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls..' This soon

became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the

best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Little

Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away..
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at

our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she

knows how to cook!'


 
 
 

[lionytai]

What's in the middle of nowhere?

The letter "h".

[.]

A pretty funny joke not to be taken literaly. it is kind of funny

In a small town next to a river, the river was starting to overflow. Everyone evacuated except the priest of their chruch.

a police officer in a car came to the church and said to the priest, "Sir with all due respect, you need to evacuate, or you will most likely die."

"No don't worry," the priest said, "I am sure god will offer me a way out of this."

"If you say so," the officer said and drove away.

the river was flooding the town and the priest was on the roof as a boat came.

"Sir, you must climb on the boat. if you don't it will be fatal," said the man on the boat.

"Don't worry about me, i am posotive god will save me," the priest replied.

the river got worse and the priest was on top of the steeple, and a helicopter came.

"Sir you must get onboard," the man on the helicopter said, as he thrwe down a latter.

"I am sure god will give me a way out" the priest said.

Later the priest drowned. He was in heaven and asked god, "how come you didn't save me?"

God said, "well I gave you 3 chances"

[Teddy3333]

MsRR: Love the one about Moses.
Waggy: I've heard that one before, pretty funny.
Lionytai: Good one.

[MsRowdyRedhead]

California vs. Texas
Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A
coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

California :

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is
natural.

#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and
spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200
testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife
services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear
of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness" program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better
handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack
and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the
state.

Texas :

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent
$0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead
coyote.


Any wonder why California is broke?

 

[lionytai]

Cow 1: Have you heard about the mad cow disease? Aren't you worried?
Cow 2: What to worry? I think I'm a duck.

[MsRowdyRedhead]

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."

[lionytai]

How old is LEMON?



A: 37. Just turn the word upsidedown and you should see  NOW37

[MsRowdyRedhead]

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!


But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.


There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."

[lionytai]

Why was the plane so tired in the morning?


It stayed up all night.

[MsRowdyRedhead]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:      I forget.
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:   Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________ _______

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20,  much like your IQ.
_____________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY:   She had three children , right?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:   How many were boys?
WITNESS:       None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:      By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:      Take a guess.
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:      He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:      Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:    No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them ... the live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________ ____________


ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:      If not, he was by the time I finished.
_____________________________ _______________


And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  Then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 

[Magical Girl Mimi]

I've gotta say; that's the funniest thing I've read in the last little while. xP I can imagine the second-last one from the witness read in the voice of the ME from the original CSI. Just seems like something he'd say. xP

[Teddy3333]

OH NO! My poor joke topic! RUINZ!

[MsRowdyRedhead]

NOAH TODAY


In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in England and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another  Ark and save 2 of every living thing
Along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the  Ark before I will
Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
Weeping in his yard - but no  Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the  Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."



"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
About the need for a sprinkler system."



"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the  Ark in my
Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."


"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
Passage for the  Ark's move to the sea. I told them
That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
Hear nothing of it."



"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"


"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
Confining wild animals against their will. They
Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
A confined space."



"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the  Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
On your proposed flood."



"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
Supposed to hire for my building crew."



"Immigration are checking the
Visa status of most of the people who want to work."



"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
Insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."



"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
With endangered species."



"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
Years for me to finish this  Ark."





"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
And a rainbow stretched across the sky."





Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it." 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

[Legodac]

I have the greatest joke of all time, though one of two things are going have to happen before I tell it, either Blade will incorperate sound in our posts, as in our voices  , or I'm gonna have to figure out a way to make you hear the lisp while I tell the joke. I think it's the funniest joke ever, and since neither of those options is likely to happen soon, perhaps I could be persuaded to tell it anyway...
Please send your Lego Gift certificates to legodac@MLNO.ca and prepare to have your sides split 

[MsRowdyRedhead]

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME:

(I  Owe My Mother) 
  **************************************
1.     My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . 
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean  underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. 
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA  .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take  you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.  My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't  come running to me."

21. My  mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25.  My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out  just like you !"
 

[MsRowdyRedhead]

Mother Quotes

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man.  Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall.  But would you listen to me?  Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.  You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house!  That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon.  If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you-don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe?  Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family.  You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture.  Can't you do something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line.  Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud, Thomas.  Now turn off that light and get to bed!"