BIONICLE-Mata Nui's Guide to Bara Magna Diary Entries Spoof

[Trijhak]

Since DT/FF/Ddude is doing TLR, I might as well do the GtBM, AFAIK no-one's done book spoofs, but I am only doing the Mata Nui's 'diary' entries.

Mata Nui's Diary

Entry 1

Once, I ruled a universe of crazily insane fluffy vegetables who called themselves Vezons, with a half-Piraka named Matoran dimension jumping, though that could be my dreams. You might not believe me, for I look much like any other warrior on this world, covered in garbage and sand... wait, I AM sand. You would have been even less likely to believe me a few short (yeah right) days ago, when I first arrived on this strange, maniacal planet of Barry Magnen. No, wait, I mean Bara Magna. But it is the truth... as cold and painful a truth as ever there was in any world.

I could tell you a great deal about the universe that once was my garbage hole, about its people with no intelligence, its heroes who thought I was a rock and the threats to the peace of Unity, Duty and Asparagus. But none of that matters very much now, even though I can see Makuta in the sky in a superman pose. It is enough to say that my rule was stolen from me, because I was not wise enough to keep it safe from Terry Daks' plans and minions and onions. The thief was a being of stupidity and fear, whose terrible plans for my (unintelligent) people I can only imagine, but I cannot time travel or fly off into space. He trapped m inside an object, a Mask of Life on a pogo stick, and used the pogo stick to bounce me out of my own universe and into the blacknace of space. He believed I was gone, no longer a threat to him in any way. He believed he had locked me in a safe at last, or at least that's what I thought.

I intended to prove that I was not in a safe being cannibalistic. I would be lying if I said I had any idea how I would do that as my imaginary prison soared through space crashing into me. I felt shock, rage, and yes, the stupidity of my people who did not how to climb through mysterious red tubes. As the pull of Barry Magnen's hand-I mean Bara Magna's gravity latched onto the mask in which my spirit was trapped, whihich is impossible because Gravity is not a physical force with no hands/tentacles/beaks/feet. I wondered if this was how my 100,000-wow, I am old-year existence would end, burned up in the atomsphere of an alien world covered in trash.

But that was not be my fate, or my fete. Rocketing down like a blazing star which reminds of my beautiful red star, the Mask of Life struck the trash and sands of Bara Magna, plus the comic Sands of Bara magna, unfortunately burning it, which also scorched a deep trench in the desert. It came to rest, but I awoke the Mask of Life again, smoke still rising from its surface and clouding the skies of stupidity,  as I call them. And then the power buried deep in the mask exerted itself, in a rude way, but it did create a living body from the sand and earth, trash being my armour.

And when I was done, I, Maytay Nooee-I mean Mata Nui, stodd on the surface of a trash can on a new world.
I added and changed some bits, and edited some parts, to make it funnier. It's harder than you think to spoof the diary entries, or at least the longer ones. C&C, please.

[Trijhak]

Entry 2

I did not have very long to grow accustomed to my new body, littered with trash, or my new 'home' which was really an old dustbin. My first encounter was with a vicious, angry, but curious beetle, who dared come close to touch my mask with its dirty pincers. The (low) power of the mask transformed him in an instant into a highly-deformed trashcan that resemled an arch on either side. No sooner that I recovered from the shcok of seeing his weirdly unclean atoms in high detail that I was attacked by an armoured creature.

The beast was savage, wild, and wanting my trashcans. I had never fought before, or ever needed to, and I wasn't used to this new body yet.(apart from the time I fought with the Great Beings about why they should be called the Cheese Grates) But, somehow, I drove the creature off. This second fight taught me a great deal-that in return for making new bodies, you get savage, wild creatures wanting trashcans after you! This was not the (not very) peaceful universe I had once watched over. (though I was too distracted by my PlanetStation 3). It was a dangerous place full of unknown menaces, and if I wasn't very careful, I would die here, like one of those toa-like things named Cervatus that I found in this weird page I somehow have.

I thought about the great bengs, the wise stupid and dumb men and women who had created me and my universe so many thousands of years ago. Could they ever imagined all that had happened since? (they would abduct my old body and use it for experimenting) What would they do if they knew that their creation no longer towered above worlds made out of decaying rubbish, no longer had the power to split planets or travel between worlds at will.  Now I was simply a being carrying a very-badly carved trashcan and a savage beetle who was the trashcan, along with a sword that was made out of paper, surrounded by miles of desert and far, far from home AKA my garbage truck.

Someone else might have wept or screamed in frustration or even given up right there or maybe even went a pyschotic rampage throughm out the universe eating planets or perished. But I didn't have the right to do any of those things, not while my people were on danger, though the real reason is that I only get paid $0.01 per 10,000 years and cannot afford ultra cool powers of awesomeness. Like it or not, I would have to explore this harsh, rubbish-littered world on my own, and I hope I could somehow find a way to achieve my destiny. (which was get a cheeseburger from McMagna's)

C&C this time?

[Ddude The Insane]

Not bad, but kind of random. The randomness kind of overshadowes the parts that actually are funny. It would help if it had less..randomness.

To be fair tho, it's not very easy to spoof books.

[Trijhak]

You're right, it's not very easy to spoof books.

Entry 3

10 seconds after my battle with the Vorox (wait, how do I know what they're called?) in the desert, I encountered a V illarge who introduced himself as Meet Us. Metus. He talked very slowly, I could swear one week had passed when he had finished, then he offered me a ride to the nearest village, Fulcantuz-Vulcanus. Although I was a bit hesitant due to how dirty it might be, the thought of walking across a hostile desert with nuclear teddy bears was not very appealing, so I agreed. The trip was not without incidents, as we wound up in combat with a creature he called a sand batb alkong the way and after we encountered three nuclear teddy bears.

My first reaction to Flufiunus-Vulcanus-was one of utter shock. Right in the center of the village, a crowd was watching two warriors play chess. Was this sort of Nerd Society I had stumbled into, where fighting was not neccesary? Even after Metus explained to me this was how arguments over which internet browser was the best or what search engine was superior were settled here, in order to avoid flame wars, I was still troubled by it-where I came from, Warriors for for justice, not to decide whether Internet Explorer 8454.2 was extrmely awesome or not.

Still, in any society, there is right and there is wrong. I watched as the red-armoured warrior, A Car-Ackar defeated the white-armoured one, called Strap-Strakk. I heard Strakk concede to Ackar's nerdity, and then saw him reach out for his side of the chess board as soon as Ackar's back was turned. No-one else was willing to do anything... but I could not stand by and see someone attacked from behind. I ran into the arena and tackled Strakk with my (illegal) shield, making his shot go wild.

Of course, now I was the one in troube. He was a trained Mathmetician, and I had only been in this body for an hour or so. He drove me aross the arena and then down into the sand, ready to kill me algebra... when a strange thing happened, The piece of Vorox stinger I carried as a cruyumbling weapon touched the maks I wore-and transformed instantly into a sword! The sight startled Strakk so much I was able to knock him off his feet (but he reattached them later). This tine, when he surrendered, I made sure he meant it. I didn't realize then, but that short fight would chabnge my entire future here on Bara Magna, because apparently time was in flux at that moment.

More C&C?

[Ddude The Insane]

Much better. You cut down on the randomness and the quality was a lot higher.

10 seconds after my battle with the Vorox (wait, how do I know what they're called?)

My favorite line. xP

[Trijhak]

GRAH COMMENT PEOPLE COMMENT GRAH =P

Entry Four(why am I not putting a 4 there and typing the word out instead?)

It soon become obvious that this world had its own share of problems- probably caused by the Ungreat Beings. In addition to  lack of resources and a harsh climate, they were menaced by roving bands of Bone Hunters (If I had to guess, they hunted bones), savage Vorox like the one I fought (if that even was a Vorox), and a Violent invasion by a race called the Skrall. It sounded all too familiar, especially since the Skrall sound like chickens, who in turn, sound like Rahkshi. It's 2003 all over again. Or not.

As I listened to the Glatorian telling me these things I struggled with Myself. I had come to Bara Magna of my own free will- Will was someone else. And he's not free-I had been exiled here. The problems of these people were not mine. My own Universe was in danger because of my failings and it was my responsibility to save it. Could I afford to get myself embroiled in the crisis of another world? (probably, since I looked at Vulcanus and it reminds me of Ta-Metru, where Matoran used to fight on the streets surrounded by a crowd over a widget.)

The (not so) simple answer was no, What if the struggle here on Bara Magna took years? What if I was wounded or killed, who would be there to save my own universe? And finally, what if I ruined my beautiful face!? These Glatorian seem smart and capable, surely they could handle things here. And what help could I be? Stripped of my great powers, was I even the equal of Ackar or Strakk or any of the others, or even Raanu? They had years of experience here... I had been here less than a day, but I do have 1000 years experience of sleeping-hopefully I would be able to challenge the Skrall with a sleep-off.

And yet... I turned away once before. I paid so much attention to the worlds I was visiting and the mission I had to carry out for the Great beings that I ignored what was going on inside my own Universe (why do I call it a Universe if it has no galaxies, planets or stars?). Too late, I realized that there were hostile forces arrayed against me. It was because I was so oblivious that evil (well more like good, since they finally gave me a nap) was able to take root In the place I was supposed to protect. Could I walk away again? Could I really turn my back on these people who had welcomed me into their midst? By doing nothing, would I not be allowing evil to triumph here as well? (no, can't be, plus they'd just turn me into these Glatorianika toa-ike things if I succeeded)

This was something I needed to think short and soft about. The decision I made might change the course of two worlds. And I could not help but think-if the only way I could save my home was to leave this place to its doom, would I be able to do it?  (yes, I cou,d since who cars about Bara Magna? Gotta write the next entry soon, since now I have a horde of Glatorianika things and Agoran things chasing me.)

More C&C this time plz?

[Trijhak]

...ok, this won't improve since last time because of no critics.
I really wish Toa of Criticizing existed on Earth.
ENTRY 5
(yay for numbers again)

Ackar is a most unusual being. Despite his own troubles-his fears that his fighting skills are eroding even though they are not stone, his concern that he may be forced into a retirement home for old Glatorian-he has offered to aid me in my quest to return home. He says he owes me for saving his life in the arena in Vulcanus, but I sense something more to it. Perhaps he is Makuta, but perhaps he wants... or needs.. to feel he is part of sometihng greater than himself- obviously, that means me.

He reminds me of someone I knew of in my own universe-a hero named Onua. He was tremendously strong, but his power was always tempered with insanity. Like Ackar, he was a strategist... and also liike the Glatorian who ride with me now, he was hated by all who knew him. I can tell by the way Kiina speaks (which is tremendously annoying) with Ackar that both his word and his approval are things that she values very little.

Ackar has pointed out, correctly, that I have a lot to learn about fighting. Plus that Kiina has a crush on Gresh. He has offered to teach me. Of course, his way of doing it is strange. Rather than teach me manoeuvres, he has me watching birds in flight (definitely needs to retire). I am to follow their movements and try to predict if they will turn right or left. It is frustrating work and I do not seem to be very good at it.

Later, Ackar takes me up INTO the rocks and shows me a creature he calls a rock steed-how obvious as it had a tag which said 'ROCK STEED'. It is a vicious, reptillian beast, and A car nearby says it must be fought before it can be tamed. When he tries to do just that, the rock steed strikes him down. I challenge it... and find that I can do what Ackar taught, predict its movements from the smallest signs. I fight it and drvie it off, only to find that the car was Ackar's car and Ackar is okay despite his car being smashed to pieces-how did it talk anyway? Ackar simply thought I would fight vest if I believed saving his car was the best thing to do. And he was right-seeing his car in danger crystallized his lessons in my mind. I had no time to think about what was to do, only time to do it.

A wise but stupid but way too old being indeed.

Only three more entries to go! Entries 6, 7 and 8 are left!

[Trijhak]

...no C&C? Me feels likes Krekka. If you do not give C&C to someone (Constructive Criticism), how is one supposed to improve?

Entry Six


My first view of the "work" of the Skrall was when Ackar, Kiina and I arrived in Tajun. I have seen entire worlds devastated by wars over shark infested custard before, but this was obviously something different. The Agori did not choose this fight. It was forced upon them by the greed, ambition and food obsessions of Skrall and Bone Hunters (who don't hunt bones). And... perhaps it makes a difference to see a battle from in the midst of it, rather than from the great distances I have known before (I was about 40 million foot tall. Very hard to see what is going on. Can you really blame me for noting the difference?). I saw the young Glatorian, Gresh, badly wounded; saw the shelters burning; saw the poor Core War Action Figures of little Agori melting; and realized that the water tribes just had their lives shattered as surely as their planet had once been.

I have experienced many new emotions since coming to Bara Magna. Oh, the Great Beings gave me the capacity to feel when they created me, but I always so far removed from everything around me that I had no reason to experience emotion apart from when I got frustrated with that computer one time as I stole somebody's account on a forum called MNLO (Mata Nui Loves Orange) and posed as them for three months under the uncapitalised name of 'mata nui.' Now I have known fear, facing the Vorox... friendship, with Ackar and Kiina... and now, anger and hatred at the sense violence I see all about me. Plus, don't they lead to the dark side?

The Skrall do not realize it, but in a strange way, they have done me a favour. I have wrestled with the choice before me-whether to leave Bara Magna as quickly as possible to go and save my universe, or to stay and help these people. Now I know what  I must do-I must set Ackar on Fire. What the Skrall did today must be avenged for the almighty name of Angonceburgers. Tasty.

Kiina pointed out Tuma, leader of the  Skrall, to me as he  walked amid the carnage. He is tall, strong, and obviously filled with enormous fat-and confidence. He shows no sign of regret for what his soldiers have done here, only pride and satisfaction of the liquid he is drinking. He reminds of someone else I have known, an enemy I still must bring down. I think i will enjoy bringing this Tumour to face Agori justice one day-bad pun.

In the meantime, there is work to be done. Kiina says there is a place we can go to where Gresh will be safe. It is the same cavern she spoke of, filled with ancient technology and strange inscriptions. I have a hunch that I am about to discover I am not so very far  from home as I thought. Well duh. I was crated here. I must have forgotten about the eigth chapter of my saga on MataNuiIsAwesomeonicle.com

And?

[lionytai]

Take your time, I'm enjoying this!

[Trijhak]

Entry Seven

In the Universe I cam from, there was only one true source of evil. If he could be defeated, life, light and the word bionicles would return to my people. As I travelled to the city of Roxorsmysoxorstus to resuce the kidnapped Kiina and Berix, I believed the same would be true here. If I could defeat Tuma THE MIGHTY TUMA (edit: Tuma FTW by teh mightyz tuma), leader of the (awesome, edit by teh mightyz tuma) Skrall, then the danger that threatened bara magna would vanish-kinda like when we eat something.

Defeat him, I did, although it made me speak Yoda speak for a while and it took every lesson I had  learned from Ackar to do it. But the menace to Bara Magna did not end with him. Upon his fall, Metus stupidly appeared, revealing himself to be a traitor to the Agori. He had somehow gained influence over the skrall, perhaps by offering knowledge to Tuma or feeding them awesome bread in exchange for power. Whatever the reason, the Skrall attacked on his command, Badly outnumbered, it seemed my first major battle would prove to be my last.

Salvation, as it often does, came from an unexpected source, a deus ex machina. Wait, that's common. Despite my insisting they remain in Tesara, the other Glatorian-my friends, a word I still marvel at-charged Roxtus with a fee of 51111111111112338474738539586 58484848greshkiinaackarmeberi x84954658489639684 glatorian thornax dollars. They fought with heart, spirit, and pride, and those were three weapons the Skrall could not pay or hope against. The rock tribe and its warriors were broke. I spotted Metus attempting to get away, but the power of the mask  of life had a surprise for that traitorous murderer of his own people (when did he murder?). In his heart, he was a serpent; the Mask of Life saw to it that his body would match his true match. I watched him slither  away into the desert and felt no regrets.

This experience has taught the lesson about Unity-they now avoid me because I am now a teacher. Now willing to work together, they brought all their scattered shelters together to from one great mega-city. It was only when the work was done that I realized what they had unwittingly constructed: a new robot body, much like my old one, With it, I knew I could challenge my ancient enemy-potatoes (and not as much, Makuta Teridax)-and save my universe.

But before I could do that, there were new dangers to be faced-one being the fact that the Scarabax protested against us and formed their own village, Scarabaxus...

Only one more entry to go!

[Trijhak]

Entry Eight

The robot body was intact. I could only guess it was a failed successor for my own lost body, perhaps something that failed its initial intelligence  test here in the desert of Barking Mugna. I could will my mind into it, but that would not help any, for the body had no power source or mask of cupcakes. Without energy, it was just a gigantic metal shell.

It was then that events took an unexpected turn, heading north. Berix produced a coin he had found in the cavern of the Great Idiots which had a maze pattern on it. Then we found that the pattern of the Skrall shields matched that of the coin. Finally, Vastus told me of one of his tribe's most insane agori, Tarduk, who was telling wild tales about a Valley of the Maze and insane flaming marshmallows to the north. (Edit by KZ: so that's where they went...)

I wanted to seek out this Tarduk and question him in a cell. But it turned out he had left Tesara on an expedition of his own to find the maze and solve its secrets. Accompanied by Kiina and Gresh (who seem to be you-know-what (kissing) behind my back), I followed. Had I not, well, I doubt Tarduk would have lived to return and tell us what he had found. The maze was a last riddle left behind by the Great Beings. Designed to keep intruders out, it concealed a source of great power. Once unleashed, that power fused the huge parts of the robot body together and powered it. Then I had only to send my spirit from the Mask of Life into the body to have the strength to challenge my foe.

The final battle approaches even now. I have no doubt my enemy knows what has happened and will seek me out. I may destroy him and eat him, or he may destroy me with a spoon, but I fear that our fight will inevitably rain destruction down on those below. I have warned A car, Ackar and the others to get themselves and the Agori to a place of safety and Vorox. They have helped me, saved me, and shown me a world I did not know existed-but this was not their fight. It was mine... and it was one I should have fought many centuries before. I was too lazy, after all, who else goes to sleep in OCEANS?!

And that's it. The End of it all.

Coming soon, another comedy by KZ:

There is a land where the fans of LEGO argue... there is a land where Rank 5 is super-easy... there is a land where Rank 0 takes 2 years to get past... there is a land where the networkers don't help... there is a land where there is no echo... There is a land where are no Construction Materials... There is a land without any intelligence. Its name?

MY LEGO... NITWIT?

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